Updates - where was I all that time?
So I’ve not been writing for a while. In fact, I haven’t even been reading….. So here I am with a notebook full of ideas on a big piece, a stack of yet to read articles, essays and books, some undeveloped film, some unscanned negatives.
To make it short, my head fell in disrepair. Fresh trauma layered on years of stress, stacked on a cracked foundation. Rusty pipes, worn belts, leaking capacitors….
I had to shut it down for a while and have my heart run the show alone, with varying success. The mind is boring without the heart and the heart is overwhelmed without the mind.
So I spent time away. - Drawing, sketching, playing guitar, playing harmonica, crocheting, bookbinding. But when you’re unemployed, there is no such thing as a holiday so I went to the local psych clinic. I had to get my meds readjusted anyway and having my own room (trans privilege I guess) and 3 meals a day while largely being left alone for 6 weeks was greatly needed.
This time is coming to an end soon and then, the big exhausting pile of work - making a home out of my place during the day, work on “the anarchic theology”(not the actual title) during the night.
Changes
Some things will change around the way I work, around the way I write. And on here as well. Gone are years of attempting to organize my thoughts into a coherent body of work. Fuck that, rationalistic writing is for the scholars. I have tried to act “sane” and “reasonable” for far too long.
In there is a whole article about Ego, the greater Jihad, insanity, revellation … have patience
I have changed, I will change further. Learning to loosen the grip on the rational world, slipping into the stream of revelation, it is a process of transformation and mostly unlearning. Unlearning identity, unlearning sanity. Yet, I know my heart is strong and my ego must not fear. As the pure heart does not fear death. It is incapable of fearing pain - the ego on the other hand not able to feel loss, as it is not capable to see the other as the heart does.
There will be a new way of thinking, of feeling, of being - once we’re free of fearing death.
In that sense, this is all for today. This is where the work only begins. the learning. learning how to write what has been growing inside me for years. It used to scare me but not anymore. Because I know, in this, I am not alone but one with god.
- Ranja
Tags: thoughts